Thanks, Mom

Don’t do anything dumb. You tend to flirt and do stupid things when you’re upset.

Thanks Mom.

Cutting your hair might make your head look huge.

Thanks, Mom.

You look like you’re in 6th grade tonight.

Thanks, Mom. I’m in college.

We’re only eating 2 pieces of chocolate tonight because we’re fat.

Thanks, Mom.

You look so cute! You matched that all by yourself?

Thanks, Mom. I’ve been matching clothes since 1994.

You broke your toe, you a**hole.

Thanks, Mom. And.. ouch.

You should get the bigger coffee pot— one day you’ll have friends.

Thanks, Mom.

You didn’t get fat. It’s those skinny jeans you wear.

Thanks, Mom.